Awakening Souls....

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul is unawakened"- Anatole France

Yesterday I met with Crystal Dunn, an amazing dog trainer, with Leaps n' Hounds Pet Training!  Crystal was sweet enough to volunteer her time and expertise to my crazy pack of animals because of her love of Pitbulls and the efforts/madness that was our recent 11 Pitbull rescue!!  She was talking about my commitment to our animals and how much time and effort it involves.  She mentioned how many people don’t realize how much of a time commitment it is and are not able to make that work in their lives.

When being asked how I find the time, I think that my reaction must come across as strange because I HAVE NO TIME!!

 

“What. In. The. World. is she thinking?”, must be the thoughts of the people that know me!  How can I commit to the welfare of abused and neglected animals?....  I had three children in three years, one of which has some extra special needs, I am a single parent, my kids go to a University Model school that involves me as their “teacher” 50% of the time.  The lessons I am doing with them right now in 1^st and 3^rd grade outreach ANYTHING I did in my career as a student.  I own, operate, and maintain a business, on my own, that sells a product, which I invented, to people all over the world (and I have absolutely no business doing any of that since I spent the first 25 years of my life in a leotard and pink tights!).   I live in a house with an acre of yard and toys that I completely pretend to know how to take care of and only get that accomplished half the time! 

However, I currently have 5 dogs (one of which is a Giant white polar bear who doubles as my son’s Autism Service dog and goes everywhere we go…. So basically is another very hairy child!  Two rescued Pitbulls, one little pain in the booty mutt mix, and my best friend for the last 14 years!), two goats, two doves, several chickens, and a turtle….. And when I’m asked if I have enough time and energy to take care of everyone the way they deserve, I respond instantly with, “YES, of course!!”.  My kids, my animals, my company….. they need me, but more importantly I NEED THEM!  It’s not a matter of “how do I find the time”, it’s that I have no choice!

My children are my world.  They are pieces of my heart walking around outside my body and the reason for every single breath I take and decision I make!

My company is my forth child.  It’s my hard work, it’s me proving to myself that I can do more than I ever imagined, my time away from the kids, a better future for all of us, and the example I want to set for them about hard work and perseverance.  

And, my heart is dramatically changed by every animal we take in.  My life is infinitely better (crazy, chaotic, and a mess….. but better) because of what they teach me about unconditional love, commitment, and sacrifice.  Our world is bigger, brighter and more beautiful because of every single one of them.    

I just wouldn’t have it any other way! <3

Picture This!!

     So, we recently rescued 10 Pitbull puppies from being put down in Galveston, TX.  It's been a bit of work.... I'm not going to lie!  (If you haven't shared it yet go to- https://www.facebook.com/SafeinAustin) If only they were as easy to clean off as a human baby I would put diapers on everyone and avoid the poop mania that I wake up to every morning!  (excepting any and all pee pad donations, asap!!!)  After the nine hour car drive on Friday and then building make-shift shelters for all of them inside and outside of the house on Saturday; I'm pretty beat!
   This morning, again, I woke up and found myself inside the puppy playhouse knee deep in #1 and #2 and got to work cleaning.  I keep looking at their sweet little faces, in order to help keep the gagging under control!  :/

    Fortunately for Texas, but unfortunately for me, it is raining today!   Pouring down rain means no sending the active little guys to the "outside resort" and constant clean-up duty for me!  (Sending the kids into the pen of poop to try to clean up, tends to create MUCH bigger problems than I started with..... lesson learned!!)
    We had a special birthday party to attend today, so I got everybody cleaned up, tucked in and we set off to Main Event for some bowling and laser tag.  Even though it was raining we let Angel come along (typically when it's raining (which is Never!) we leave her at home because, you know, the whole wet dog thing!) but she has been a bit flustered with meeting a new church full of people on Sunday and not really understanding her role in regards to the new dog and puppies that have come into our home.   She REALLY hates it when she is left at home, so I knew it wasn't the best idea to separate her and Jackson this morning!  (Angel is my seven year old son's Autism Service Dog!  If you haven't been following their journey you can find it here- https://www.facebook.com/SnugglebugsAngel)
     I took a shower and actually put some clothes on that would be considered too dressy for the gym; (which is my normal attire) including some cute wedges that I haven't had a chance to wear yet!!  Once we got to Main Event I realized that many people thought this would be a great rainy day activity and immediately felt the hesitation from Angel and Jackson.   I also realized right away that this was Angel's first time in a bowling alley and she was not thrilled about it.... at all!  
    Angel is always looking out for Jackson; well, all of us really.  I'm constantly encouraging her to just lay down and relax.  But her guard dog instincts just won't have it.  At a bowling alley/arcade full of children there are a LOT of sounds and people that she is concerned about! 
    Everyone got started bowling and I did my best to find Angel a place she could chill out and still see Jackson.  Everything seemed fine until I turned my back for a second and suddenly there was a flash of white flying past me and galloping across the bowling alley!  She weaved in and out of people, tables, and obstacles like she was on an agility field and headed right for the front door!  I was, of course, yelling to my friends to watch the kids and "gracefully" galloping after her.  She was in the parking lot by the time I got to the front doors and I saw her panick when she realized she didn't know what car was ours!  (We are still driving the rented car I had to get to go pick up the puppies with!)  She was frantically circling car after car, I'm assuming trying to find a scent, as I was making my way over to her shouting things I encourage myself to avoid saying in front of the children! ;)  
     Picture this (with a large audience watching)- Me, in my new wedges, in the pouring rain, galloping across a parking lot, yelling profanity at my son's Service Dog who has decided she is going home even if she has to drive the dang car herself.....  (I should really have my own reality show!)!!
    I managed to get her, remind her that she is NOT in charge, that sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do, that it's not ok to run and hide, and that she will have to do some chores to earn some money to pay for my now ruined shoes!  (Sometimes I mix Jackson and Angel up!!)  ;)  
(I have mentioned before that I 100% believe that I got my Aspie son an Aspie Service Dog and that is why they are so PERFECT for each other, Right?!!)  And then I got Jackson's permission to take Angel home for some alone time; something Jackson also needs a lot of to help clear his head. 
      We were able to enjoy the rest of the party and Jackson did a great job, although rock climbing is not his thing apparently!  (Who would have thought?! ;) )   We tore that place up and left four hours latter with all kinds of cheap ridiculous things that you pay crazy amounts of money for them to buy with the stingy game's awarded "tickets"!  

     The rain continues which is awesome, except that the big dogs have been holding it all day long in order to avoid getting wet (What??? You Are A Dog...   Ok, this may be my own doing!  Can you say spoiled??!!)  so that could REALLY add to my already busy potty maintenance!  YIKES!!  

  So, basically, today is not much different than any other day in our house!  It's best described as Crazy, Fun, Chaos!!  

   Serveral times today I thought of the Parenting movie with the grandmother that tells the very insightful story about how life is like a roller-coaster.  How some people choose to be on the Merry-go-round which just goes round and round, but she likes the roller coaster!  The twists and turns make life so much more exciting and worthwhile!! (She tells the story as the family is headed out to a school function and when the wife mentions how smart she is, the husband looks out the window and says "Oh yeah, then why is she sitting in our neighbors car?"!!)      I think I need to rent that tonight!!


PS- If you are new to our service dog story you should know that I am fully aware that what Angel did today is NOT ok.  To quote another movie- Angel, "it's not that you are a bad person (or service dog), it's that you made a bad choice"!!  Our journey is full of Amazing Miraculous Moments... and moments that make you want to cringe!   She's not a robot.  And in order to do what she does for Jackson I don't want her to be.   So.... remember what your mama should have taught you and "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all"!   Thanks!

United Airlines... we are still upset

So, last Thursday I posted that we had a horrible morning, but I was too upset to talk about it.  I'm finally getting around to writing up the summary that I am sending to United because quite frankly they need to know about what happened.  It is still extremely worrisome for Jackson and makes my blood boil when I think about it.  I was limited on the number of characters I was allowed to use so this is a very short version of our morning...

  -->

 I am a single mom with three young kids ages 6, 7, and 8 years old.  My 7 year old son has Asperger Syndrome and a service dog named Angel. We travel a lot so I called your airline - United, before the flight to make sure they knew that Angel would be with us, that she is a large breed dog, we need bulk-head seating, and she is in fact a service dog.

When we arrived they said there were not four seats available in bulk head, but that the gate would work something out for us.  She even said "A single mom with three kids, one with special needs and a service dog; they better help you out or I wouldn't fly with us ever again either".  

Our first flight went fine.  They were able to get us in bulk-head, everyone was sweet, and we had an uneventful flight.    

When we got to Denver however, there was a delay and the lady at the gate was cranky and stressed. She put us in the back two rows on the Very small plane. Angel is an 80 pound Great Pyrenees so I wasn't sure how it was going to go?     (it was very small plane)

 I laughed at how small and tight the seats were.  I really had no idea what we were going to be able to do with Angel.  The flight attendant at the back was trying to be positive and helpful so we just started trying to SHOVE Angel in between the seats.  Jackson, my son, was getting very stressed about it and Angel could tell.  She jumped up on the seat next to him and put her paw on him to keep him calm.   

She was doing her job and I was still brainstorming with the flight attendant about what we could do when the flight attendant at the front stormed back to us and without knowing the situation at all says to me "If you can't get your DOG under control the pilot has said I should have the entire family removed from the plane".  I was in SHOCK and Horrified.  My children looked at me in terror and Jackson completely lost it due to the fact that he takes words very literally and thought that we were getting kicked off the plane.  The other passengers started sticking up for us, but she kept saying, "is there a problem?  You will be removed".   

Angel somehow knew I was upset now too and by herself crawled under the seats and laid there curled in a ball.   She literally had to fold her self in half when the cart or someone came by.

(Notice in the picture this is WITHOUT Jackson and I sitting in the seats that she was squishing into...)

 I hid my tears from the kids and I assured them we did nothing wrong.  The flight attended in the back apologized, was clearly embarrassed and handed me tissues.   

We have never been treated that way and I had no way of kindly explaining it to my children.  My son keeps telling people that the lady on the plane hated us and was going to kick us off because he has Aspergers and a special dog to help him.  It was, and still is, very upsetting.

Selective OCD and Yearbook Mania!!

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH!!!!  The School Yearbook is FINISHED!!!!  
It has been about two months and probably a total of three weeks worth of completely skipping sleep, but it is submitted and on it's way to the printers! 

Our school has grown beyond the Shutterfly paperback that we did last year, so I took on the task of creating our professional, hard copy, full color, 58 page yearbook with a custom cover!!  Why I thought I knew how to do this... I have No Idea!  If they would have asked me to do a book report on the school year I would have disappeared faster than Flash (my boys would be proud of the superhero reference!), however, taking pictures, Photoshopping, graphics, Big project.... FUN!!   I'll figure it out!

I find it cruel that my OCD only shows up in certain areas of my life.  Areas some may consider not very important.  My house is a mess, the car is disgusting, my kids are rarely clean or clothed (Happy..... but probably dirty and naked ;) )... however, I spent upwards of 20 hours on some of the pages of this book.  Finding, editing, and changing graphics.  Cropping and editing photos.  Searching for the perfect borders, obsessing about sizes, deleting backgrounds or areas of the photo I didn't like.  Every page is custom created so that we didn't have to pay for already created backgrounds (or break any copyright laws!), however, if I did my job right, everyone will assume it was just a background I tossed on the page and added some pictures to!   (Bittersweet to say the least!)

Yesterday, it was decided to add some last minute events to the yearbook and the words "We can just throw them in there, right" were said by someone very special and important in our lives.  I almost had a heart attack!!!  "Throw them on there"??  Ummm, Ok??!  You mean like how when people are going to come over to play and a start throwing all the stuff around the house into a plastic tub and hide it in the closet?  Or when we are running late for school and I tell the kids to get in the car in their underwear and I run into Target on the way to school and just BUY clothes and lunches for the day, just so I didn't have to find them in the house?!!   
THESE kinds of things I can "throw" together, but a yearbook page full of pictures, and graphics, and memories that could be cherished for the rest of their lives.....  AAAHHHHHHHH!!!   I swallowed hard, assured her that my "deer in headlights" look was temporary, and YES! the Science Fair has a two page spread in this year's yearbook!!  ;)


And just like childbirth, God knows what he is doing, because as of 6:30 in the morning I was screaming (quietly as to not wake up the house!) I will NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!   However, it's 2pm now, and I'm already setting up for next year!   :/
(That could also be because I have figured out that a yearbook from scratch is absolutely and completely impossible to create in two months!)

So....., I hear that my kids are still in school, and that I have some sort of company that needs some attention??!  I'm going to go check on these things now, and you guys (Fortis parents specifically, but anyone is welcome to enjoy a copy if you would like!) just make sure your yearbook order has been turned in!! ;)

Sincerly,
Crazy Momma with strange priorities!!

Fortis Family Email!

 To all our Buddies at Fortis! 

    Below is the letter that went out to all the Fortis Families, if 

you happen to miss it. My very sweet friends were kind enough to share 

this information with you!  We have one more week until we get to bring 

Angel home!  So far, we have managed to raise the money to cover our 

travel expenses and will continue to raise money to help pay for her

even after she is in our home. 

    It is important for our friends at school to be aware of the 

situation because although at this time, Angel will not be with

Jackson during school hours, she will be dropping him off and picking

him up, and attending special events!  It will be the ONLY time that 

Angel will not be right next to Jackson, so drop off and pick-up will 

be a big deal for both of them.  Students will need to know that Angel 

will be there to work, and they will need to ask permission to pet her 

when she is with Jackson. 

    One of the things Angel is trained to do is "Find" Jackson if he 

gets lost.  Jackson has been known to run and hide in situations that

he feels uncomfortable.  This "Find Jackson" command will be a very 

important one to us on those extremely scary situations when Jackson 

gets away from us.  We will be practising this command during every 

pick-up, asking Angel to find Jackson in the mass of children in front

of the school! Students will need to remember to listen to their 

teachers so that we are not causing a distraction during pick up, and 

to not touch or call Angel while she is looking for Jackson. 

    I will be coming around to the class rooms in a few weeks to talk 

about Autism, Asperger Syndrome, and Autism Service Dogs!  Jackson and 

Angel will show the students how they work together and what Angel can

do to help Jackson.   

    Angel is a certified, insured, and registered "Service Dog" (although 

legally that is not even required), so she is approved to enter any 

establishment that we are in.  She is very well trained and will stay 

next to Jackson, or even tethered to Jackson at all times.  She is a large 

dog with a lot of hair, but will just sit and stay where she is told, so 

as long as the other students are not touching or bothering her there will 

be no issues with her being around (even if there are children or teachers 

with allergies).  It's very important to us that the students are aware 

that Angel should be treated just like another student, and to always be

respectful of her and Jackson's space by not touching or petting her 

without asking permission first. 

     In order for Angel to be pet or played with Jackson will have to give

her the "sit" or "relax" command, so that she knows her focus is no longer 

all about Jackson!  Angel is joining us as a new member of our family and

will dramatically change Jackson's life, his struggles with Aspergers, and our

entire families lives for the next ten plus years! 

Thank you for welcoming the newest member of our family into our wonderful 

"Fortis Family" and for your support on this amazing, life changing, journey 

we are on!

With all my love and appreciation,

Jamie Wallace

(James, Jackson, Jovie, and Angel's Mom!!) 

Dear Fortis Families,
  
I'm sure all of you have either met, seen, or at least heard the 

name Jamie Wallace!  She is the mom of three Fortis students- Jovie-K, 

James and Jackson- 2nd.  Jamie is at the school all the time, at every 

event, and is putting together a professional yearbook for us this year 

(she ALWAYS has a camera in her hands!).


Jamie and her son Jackson have a story that not many people are aware of.  

Jackson has Autism, specifically diagnosed as High Functioning Asperger 

Syndrome. Jackson does well in school and in most structured situations, 

so a lot of people are not aware that he has Austim.  However, their life 

out side of school is very different and we think it's important to share 

their story with you. Please take a minute to read this post written by 

Jamie called "Is he Autistic Enough".  We would like to encourage you to 

share and support her efforts in getting Jackson his "Angel".

Here is the complete story -
http://chaosplease.blogspot.com/2013/01/is-he-autistic-enough.html

and here is the donation link (tax deductible) -
http://www.compassionatepaws.org/index.php/projects/199-paws-for-jackson

You can also follow their journey, see pictures of Angel, and be a part 

of their first meeting.
http://www.facebook.com/SnugglebugsAngel

We appreciate you taking the time to pray for and support this member 

of our Fortis family. 


Thank You,


Becki Tulbah and Bethany Smith

 
His Angel- (a poem Jamie wrote the day she found out about Angel)
 
I have a terrible secret; that some of you need to know.
My baby boy has Autism; although it doesn’t always show.
Most people don’t even notice; there is no sign that they can see
But that is not my secret; the terrible thing is me
 
Every mother knows; that it’s the scariest part
The times you feel you’re failing; and want a brand new start
You’re overwhelmed with worry; the fear is too intense
Nothing that you’re doing; seems to make any sense
 
Their lives and well being; are yours to mold and make
Be sure to pay attention; you can’t afford a single mistake
Then just when you’ve reached your limit; trying not to fall apart
You find out this child; has an extra sensitive heart
 
His life will be harder; the world a complicated place
Every thing confusing; even the expressions on your face
He’ll feel lost and all alone; most of the time inside himself
Like a brilliant little novel; that’s never picked up off the shelf
 
There are little things about him; only a mother will see the difference
Like his senses being heightened; forcing him to keep his distance
Things just won’t come easy; he’ll feel he doesn’t belong
Nobody else will understand; why it’s 100 times harder to be strong
 
A mom can handle everything; she doesn’t have a choice
Her heart is walking around; with an innocent little voice
But what happens when she can’t; when the job is taking its toll
Maybe she could do better; with this tiny little soul
 
Although I know it’s normal; to have doubts or lots of fear
The guilt is enough to kill me; worst mother of the year
The important thing to remember; is love is all it takes
Looking in his eyes; and my heart no longer aches
 
I can’t take away the chaos; or fix the world for him
But I’ll give him all of me; every single limb
And if that’s not enough; I’ll try another angle
I’ll do whatever it takes; to make sure he gets his Angel!

I Can't Breathe

 This beautiful soul DIED because of  ELEVEN DOLLARS????

(26 year old Robert Saylor)

 My cousin posted this story on FB a few minutes ago and I'm just a MESS with emotions.

The HORRIBLE things people are saying in the comments...
"Normally they say they want to be treated like everyone else, but in situations like this they want "special treatment""
                              ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

(Ok, so I'm getting a little out of control with the "caps lock" button, but this is just ridiculous.)

I read the story, the face book page, the Sharif's letter, the medical report... and I can't make any sense of it.  So he was adament about staying in the theater, he wanted to see the movie again and when he was being forced to leave he started cursing at the police officers.  Then while he was handcuffed and being forced out of the theater he died from lack of oxygen.    Why?    WHY???????

Anybody with a special needs child sees the issues instantly.  He wanted to see the movie again. Period.

This is what is going through his head (in my opinion)-
          I saw the movie. I liked the movie.  I want to see the movie again.  It is about
          to play again and I am already sitting here.  So I'm going to stay and watch the
          movie.

It's really that simple.  He is not thinking "I want to break the rules, not move from my seat, and screw the movie theater out of $11."  I would guess, it's not even possible for him to even understand that idea.

But then people start telling him to leave.  That he can't stay there.  That he MUST go or he will be forced to leave.

At this point his mind is so confused.  He is in complete overload-  
          I want to watch the movie again. I'm already here.  They won't let me.  Why
          won't they let me?  I'm not bothering anybody.  Just let me sit here.  Why are
          they so angry.  I'm afraid they are going to hurt me.  I just want to watch the
          movie. They are talking so loud.  There are so many of them.  I just want to
          watch the movie.  I'm already sitting here. I'm not hurting anyone.  I want them
          to leave me alone.  I'm afraid they are going to hurt me.....

And then the part that they don't understand.  The part that is different for everybody that has "special needs" but oh so incredibly scary and intense.  The break down.

He starts cursing at them.  He is yelling and cursing and his body is fighting off what it doesn't understand with its weapon of choice.

But instead of seeing the fear behind it, the police officers handcuff him and begin to drag him out of the theater.

Can you imagine what is happening now-
          They are touching me.  They are hurting me.  I'm scared.  I just want to
          watch the movie.  I'm not bothering anybody.  It hurts.  Why are they touching
          me.  I'm so afraid of them.  I can't breathe.  Just let me watch the movie.  Why
          are they doing this. I can't breathe.  I can't breathe. I CAN'T BREATHE



I can hear it, can you?  I can FEEL it.  I'm Terrified....
If I would have been there I would have tackled those police officers to the ground SO fast THEY wouldn't be able to breathe.

I'm not a violent person.  I don't wish terrible things on people.  I have this very intense wish and hope that all people are good and all people are heaven bound.  So when I read stories like this I'm heart broken.  I don't understand.  I'm upset that they were police officers.  I think that people in that position need to know better.  I hate that it looks bad for other police officers.  I hate the exact people that that boy was taught would protect him.... killed him.
My heart hurts for those officers.  My heart hurts for their families. My heart hurts for Robert's family. My heart hurts for everybody.
                         And my heart really hurts for my Snugglebug.

Robert Saylor had Down Syndrome.  My guess is that he had several different things because most special needs people have more than one diagnosis.  However, Down Syndrome you can see.  Down Syndrome is something you can immediately recognize on his face.  There is no doubt unless you are blind, that he has some special needs. Yet, this is what happened.  I don't understand.

Let me tell you what could very easily happen with a twenty-six year old with Aspergers, you know... like Jackson.

He is in a movie theater.  He saw a movie he liked.  He wants to watch it again.  So he sits there to wait for it to start.
Does he think about theater policies?  Does he realize he needs to pay again?  Does he realize he is breaking the rules?  Does he consider the consequences of his actions?

NO!  He liked it.  He's there.  He wants to see it again.  PERIOD

Someone will need to logically, without emotion, calmly explain to him the step by step procedure, the reasons why, and the actions required to get to do what he wants.

And if he was treated the way that Robert was.  With his heighten senses.  With his inability to understand.  With his heighten pain sensory.  With the yelling, the touching, the pain, the strangers, the confusion, the fear....  He absolutely wouldn't be able to breathe.

And you know what is the scariest part of this entire story to a mother of a boy with Aspergers.  Robert Saylor died and he had Down Syndrome.  You can SEE Down Syndrome.  You can't see Asperger Syndrome.  You can't see, or hear, or feel his sensitive heart.
However, they should have been able to see Robert's, and they didn't.

I don't understand?  If they couldn't SEE something that is Obvious.  What are they going to "see" when it's hidden?  What will happen with the other people with special needs that NEED them to "see" whether it's with their eyes or their hearts.  What will happen if it was MY Jackson?

I can see it, I can Feel it, my heart breaks with fear ..... I CAN'T BREATHE

"Ignorant Mommy"

"Ignorance is Bliss" definition - The lack of knowledge to a situation. 

Usually once the research is complete or the whole truth is revealed, you realize you were happier being clueless.

      There are definitely times in my life when I might abuse this phrase just a bit!   For example; I am NOT the most well educated person on the planet.  I don't spend my free time reading book after book.  I run for the hills whenever politics, religion, or anything that could cause confrontation comes up!  I'm the first to admit that I made it through the required areas of High School and College but most of it involved a leotard and pink tights!  I pretty much only look at the pictures at museums and as I'm typing this the pretty red lines are popping up everywhere reminding me that I can't spell to save my life! 

      That being said....  

       I got a text today from Jackson's therapist.  She was asking me if it was ok for her to give another mom my telephone number.  I said "sure" of course, and ended up talking to a Mommy that has a five year old son with Asperger Syndrome.  Apparently, Jackson's therapist said "I'm a wealth of information"!! 

  What??  

          Me??? 

                  Are you sure?!

  

                          Because typically I feel more like this...

Here is the crazy thing I have learned about my personality....  It's GREAT for having a son with AS!

       Turns out my complete lack of patience, my constant need to be doing a million things, my messy house, my short attention span, and my crazy impulsive nature has played a serious role in regards to Jackson being on the "high functioning" side of Autism!   Can you believe it?  A professional FINALLY telling me it was ok to have a messy room!  Take THAT, Mom! :p   (Ok, I'll admit that wasn't Exactly what she said, but you were not there, so.... it's close enough!)

      Here is the thing.  Aspies tend to get very uncomfortable, often.  They like routine, they like things to be clear- black and white, they prefer structure and order, everything in it's place and predictable.  It gives them a sense of control in a world that is overwhelming, confusing, and they have absolutely no control over.  

      But that is not the world Jackson has been in for the last six years.  For starters, he has a brother 17 months older than him and a sister 16 months younger!  There is nothing structured about that situation!!   Not to mention, I go completely stir crazy sitting around the house all day long so we always had a Million things to do!  I was the crazy person with the choo-choo wagon at the grocery store, restaurants and mall.  I could change my clothes, eat lunch, nurse a new born, change a diaper, and chase a toddler all at the same time!  We go to play dates, get messy, play in the rain, go on lots of road trips, and spend as much time as possible outside!   We plan big events often and we ALWAYS have people over.  

    I'm kind of a "take it or leave it", friend!  I like having nice things, LOVE to go shopping, but I don't want to live in a museum or put on a pretend show for anyone.  If you have a problem with a house that looks like it's been lived in, or are squeamish regarding a stinky "something" hiding in the car somewhere, have an issue with animal hair or poop, or might judge if you notice my sink is full of dirty dishes and there are twelve loads of laundry to do.... I'm warning you now, you are NOT going to like it at my place!

    I've been known to decide at 9pm that we need to go to the ocean, and then throw everyone and anything I can think of in the car and start driving!  We have slept in the car or camped out under the stars; made tents out of the laundry that was randomly in the car, and made our own video of "Man vs Wild"!!  The other day I decided I didn't want to be in the house anymore and that we would do our Homeschool day at the creek!  At about noon we grabbed our wagons, backpacks, chairs, table, food, snacks, books, dry erase boards, markers, towels, dogs, cooler.... drove out there and set up camp!   This is how we Roll!!  And this is how we like it! :p

     However, if Jackson had gotten a choice when he was younger, things would be much different.  

    A lot of Aspie kids NEED to have that routine and structure.  They have fallen victim to it and it's just plain easier for them and the people around them.  I am not one to judge because life is hard and different for everyone, but I'm so thankful that my crazy personality has provided the opportunity for Jackson to be uncomfortable; but "ok" with it!  His therapist said because I didn't let him hide in his cocoon like he would have preferred; it will be SO much easier to get him out of it now!  Our motto is to work through or with Aspergers, not fall victim to it!  

    I told that mom today, that I might take a different approach than she has heard before.  I'm not actually a big fan of the "text book" type books on AS.  I have, however, read every single book out there written by a child with Aspergers.  I'm much more interested, captivated, and educated by words coming straight from the source, straight from the fascinating and complicated minds of these children; then the lengthy lists of "what to do" and "how to fix it" written by medical professionals.  She asked me about schools, and siblings, and playgroups and I just shared our experience and what I have learned based on paying attention to Jackson, reading the words from other kids and adults with AS, and constantly searching blogs and articles written by other moms with aspie kids.   Even though I didn't have a bunch of medical facts or concrete answers to share with her she said she felt relieved and was grateful for all the new and real information!

    It's funny because just the other day a mom came up to me at a birthday party and thanked me for sharing "my way" of doing home-school at last years "meet the current parents of a University Model School student and ask a bunch of questions" day!!  I thought it was a complete joke that the staff asked me to participate!  Here these other mothers were walking in with their binders, and lists, and schedules, and rules!  They shared and set these amazing examples of structure, education and research.  They actually get their kids dressed, and fed, and sitting nice at a table for home-school time...  

Then I got up there and said, "Dude, sometimes we do it, and sometimes we don't!  Most of the time the kids are up in a tree doing math, or jumping on the trampoline doing spelling, and we pretty much never do Spanish.  They are learning SO MUCH at this school that I try to stay pretty chill about it!  Most of the time they are in their underwear, sometimes I never even leave my bed, and quite often we can actually use the phrase "my dog ate my homework" (or goat, or rabit, or chicken.... depends on who got out that day!).  So don't stress, cause my kids are super smart and none of the teachers have yelled at me yet!"

     That mom said it gave her a piece of mind.  She was not so stressed over the whole thing and was able to relax and enjoy herself and the time with her kids more.  

    Both of these mothers said I was a wonderful source of information and they were grateful for what I had to share!  WEIRD!!

  So, all I'm saying is.... 

Go with it, do your thing, don't stress or beat yourself up; because I'm a good example that sometimes...

"Ignorance is Bliss"!!

Life is hard.... and then you sit down.

"That was a bad idea!" 

 These are the words that automatically spew from my mouth if I sit down at any given point throughout the day.  
I'm not sure, but I can probably guess when it started.... I'm going with sometime around chasing a one year old, nursing a six month old, and pregnant with a baby girl! 

Today was a rough day-
   I feel like CRAP!  My Austin allergies have gone from annoying, to full on hammer to the face sinus infection.  We were suppose to host a Valentine Box making party today, but there was no way I was making that happen. (And if you know me, you know I must have been feeling really bad!) Luckily, a buddy took us in today because I was seriously concerned that I would not survive without knocking myself out, only to wake up while CPS were hauling off the kids I had accidentally ignored all day long! ;)

It was also a rough day in the way of emotions.  I get that I am on "high alert" right now when it comes to Jackson.  Trying to make all of this happen regarding getting Angel, doing all this research about service dogs and Autism, reading all these new blogs I have discovered about special needs children... Jackson is at the top of my list right now!  
Today started with something wonderful!  While still all snuggled up in bed this morning watching "19 Kids and Counting" together the mail man brought us a package.  It was Angels service dog vest and all the accessories that we had picked out for her!  Jackson was very excited and was walking around the house with his tether system (a belt that goes around Jackson and is leashed onto Angel's vest) on talking to his invisible buddy!

Seeing him with his huge genuine smile of excitement holding that beautiful vest, made specifically for a beautiful creature, who will be protecting, loving, and bonding with my Snugglebug for the next ten plus years, definitely got the emotions running on overdrive!  

And then.... something happened.

It was a small insignificant thing that would be no cause for alarm if it had been with any of the other kids playing, but it wasn't any of the other kids... it was Jackson.  All the friends were playing Pirates and kids (or zombies or something!) and Jackson had gotten "captured" (I think!).  I saw it happening, and I'm pretty sure I knew what was going to happen, but a part of me, occasionally does a good job of knowing that protecting him from every situation is not helping him at all.  
He was being held down, captured by the "other guys".  His friend had him pinned by his arm and I could see he was starting to panic being pinned to the ground unable to move.  Them from across the yard I felt it... in my stomach. It was panic, fear, helplessness, terror.
But it was just a silly game?? 

Then I heard Jackson say, "I don't want to play this anymore" and that feeling that was in my stomach, jump straight to my heart.  His friend didn't let go and about two seconds after that, he lost it. 
I watched, heard, and felt him go into full breakdown mode.  He screamed his terrifying horror movie scream, I screamed, he curled up into a ball shaking and crying and I ran as fast as I could.  I screamed at his poor friend (who was just innocently playing a game)"let go of him", I scooped him up into my arms, and holding him as we were recovering together, I remembered.  

This isn't the first time I have "felt" what Jackson felt, when nobody else could.  It's not the first time, I saw something that nobody else would.  

In the beginning, it didn’t take long to notice some uniqueness about Jackson.  He was the BEST baby!  He was very quiet and chill.  He didn’t mind hanging out in his car seat for however long we needed him to, and as long as he was wrapped up tight and safe he was happy.  This was a HUGE benefit for me considering I had a 17 month old running around and by the time Jackson was five months old I was pregnant with his little sister!

However, by the time he was six months old it was obvious that he was a little too, chill!  He was basically happy with just sitting there in a swing or car seat and showed no interest in sitting up or moving around.  He ended up in physical therapy to learn how to sit up, how to crawl, and how to walk.  Each time though, it only took a couple of sessions for him to figure it out.  The therapists pointed out that it was as if he just needed to be shown what to do and how to use his muscles and he was off and running (well, sitting, crawling, and walking… you know what I mean!)  The concept of wanting to do something different and the interest in experimenting to figure it out was just not in him.  But, as soon as he was shown exactly where to put his limbs, exactly how to straighten his back, and exactly which muscles to work to make it happen, it was a done deal!   Looking back now I can see the AS plain as day.  If only I knew then, what I know now!

Speaking was the next indicator something was different.  He was very quite. He didn’t do any cooing or the typical sounds babies start making before the words are formed.  He did very well with the signs we taught him; like “food”, “more”, “all-done” and I think since he had the signs he didn’t feel like he needed to mess with the words.  When he was about a year and a half I took him to a speech therapist.  I was concerned because he wasn’t talking.  He wasn’t telling us what he wanted; he wasn’t even trying.  At this point he was starting to get very frustrated with the fact that we couldn’t read his mind and would cry or have a breakdown if we didn’t figure it out right away.  However, when I took him into the therapist office and told her he isn’t talking at all guess what he did? He recited the entire alphabet for her!  She was shocked!  Then she started counting and so did he.  He not only counted to ten in English, but also in Spanish, French, German, AND Japanese (thanks to the Baby Einstein videos that he LOVED to watch)!!  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HOW SHE LOOKED AT ME!!  “This child is showing no signs of delay, in fact he is Incredibly advanced for his age”, is all she could say.  “Yes, yes! I know he is advanced because he can say the alphabet and count in several languages. That’s because he loves sitting and watching the Baby Einstein videos and he has memorized all of that….  But, he doesn’t talk to me.  He doesn’t say “can I have a drink”, or “I’m hungry”, he won’t even say “hi, Mommy” to me.  He is Very smart, I know that, he has an amazing memory, that’s obvious, but he won’t communicate at all.”  The woman still thought I was insane considering she was expecting an infant that didn’t make a sound and what she got was something entirely different!

You should have been there in the car ride home!  Me talking to a one year old saying “Jackson Wallace, you are not allowed to count in ANY language until you can start talking to mommy and tell me what you want!  I’m serious, little man… no more Japanese for you!” ;) 

The next couple of years continued on like this.  Jackson did a lot more crying and had a lot more breakdowns the older he got and the more frustrated he got that we didn’t know what he was thinking, needing, or wanting.  He slowly started picking up words, but would never go beyond a one-word statement like “food”, “drink”, “that”, “more”.  It was hard for all of us because we didn’t know what he wanted to eat, what he wanted to drink, what “that” was, or what he wanted “more” of.  He would have a breakdown if we didn’t guess right and it made me very sad that he was so upset all the time.  We talked to several doctors and therapists; even had Early Intervention come out to the house, but for the most part they would see how advanced he was academically and just tell us that he is being a two year old.  “The terrible twos come with lots of temper tantrums” we were unconvincingly reassured. 
 

My motherly instincts never let me believe he was just throwing temper tantrums.  I’m not new to the kid world.  I had already gone through the “terrible twos” with James and there was nothing terrible about them!  I know the breakdowns may have looked like a little boy throwing a fit to everyone else, but I could see the frustration, the intense sadness in his little eyes because we didn’t understand what he wanted and he didn’t know how to tell us.   

 I could feel it, literally, inside of me.  I could feel his frustration and sadness.   

By the time he was two he had taught himself how to read by playing starfall.com on the computer.  He was like a circus attraction to our friends!  New people would come over and one of my friends would say “Jamie, give Jackson a book.  You have got to see this!”  Jackson loved every second of it, but it made me sad that all those words he could so easily read were only something he shared with the books and the computer, but not with me. 

Basically by the time he was three I had already self diagnosed him with Asperger Syndrome.  Even though there really wasn’t a lot of information about AS with regards to toddlers; and typically kids are not diagnosed until after they have started school, but by then I had read enough to realize he was basically defining it for us!

It's not that every mother doesn't have this talent.  There is a deep connection shared between a mother and her children.  Trust me, I am one of those Mamma Bears that has no problem letting other children, or adults for that matter, know that their behavior is not going to fly around my kids. I'll be the first to step up and the last to back down, if that's what they need.
But it's different with Jackson.  His heightened emotions are intense and very real in me.  Not just something that I recognize, but something inside of me, almost consuming my soul.  It's like I'm his voice, the only voice he has the ability to use to let the universe know that he is different, unique, and amazing.

Here's the thing.... It's exhausting!  He needs me to be his voice, he needs me to help him learn, he needs me to be strong enough to let him experience things that make him uncomfortable so that he can fight through Aspergers instead of surrendering to it.  It means letting him continue to play pirates with his friends even knowing there will probably be an issue.  Do you know how hard that is?  Knowing, in so many situations in our life, that my sweet child (one of the children I would do ANYTHING to keep from fear or pain) MUST go through those moments of complete Terror in order to see that he survived and came out the other side.  Because every single moment that a child with Asperger Syndrome is protected from being uncomfortable gets him that much closer to surrendering.  To justification that whatever the situation, it was not worth experiencing. 

I won't let Jackson become a silent recluse.  I'm going to stop him from being the "typical" genus that ends up divorced and constantly in trouble at work because he is brilliant and dedicated, but has no social or communication skills with other people.  I have to make him uncomfortable.  I have to let him be in situations that may scare him to death.  I'll have to watch, knowing that the fear is coming, feel every ounce of it right along with him when it happens, and then talk him through it so he sees he survived just fine.  All the while acting like my heart isn't breaking and pleading for me to give in to my protective side and shield him from the world that just doesn't completely understand. 

That, my friends, is only one of the reasons why my particular Life is HARD.... and a very real reason why I don't sit down!  Because, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted!  And when you give in, and sit down,

It's SO much harder to stand back up!

(on a quick side note, though- After a full day, when the kids are alseep, and it's time to relax with a glass of wine and a couple of episodes of Modern Family and Big Bang....  
Oh. My. Gawd!  Does it feel SSSSSSOOOOOOO good to sit my butt down!!)