The Nothing place....

Yesterday was a hard day.  I was sad.  Really sad.

I wasn't sure why I was sad.  I didn't want to be sad. But I couldn't figure out how to not be sad.

Robyn Williams committing suicide has touched and effected us.  All of us.

Those of us that suffer from depression are dealing with so many feelings.  Complete and utter sadness for the loss of such a great man, is a given.  Fear because his death reminds us that no amount of money or fame can fix a heavy heart.  Even.... understanding; not in a way that justifies what he did, but an understanding of the fight, of how hard it is, of how deep and overwhelming the nothing place can be.
 
Most of the day yesterday I sat. Or stood. Or stared.   The dialogue in my head was things like "you have a ton of stuff to do. Let's get up and work on it", "Everything is ok right now, you don't have to be sad", "look at your kids playing, your animals, your home, there are horrible terrible things happening to other people.... please just Stop. Being. Sad."
Then I looked on FB and was reminded it was my friends birthday and I had promised her a fancy card!  Motivation!  I told Jovie, and together we started cutting, folding, and coloring!  Jovie looked up at me and said "this is fun, Momma", and I smiled back!   "SEE", I told myself, "nothing to be sad about!"  We spent an hour and a half working on the cool flip up birthday card and I didn't feel any kind of sad!
Then we drove it over to her house and gave her the card and hugs, and I got crazy amounts of licks and loves from one of the puppies from our last rescued litter, and it was all Awesome!  No sad.

Then we came home.  The kids went their separate ways and I was looking around at a house that needs serious work.  I didn't have anything to make for someone, I couldn't find a reason to create, a way to give a piece of my heart so I could get something back in return.  Suddenly, again..... I'm drowning in SAD.

Let me take a minute to explain  what "Sad" is to someone that struggles with depression.   Sad is scared, sad is feeling alone, sad is feeling lost, sad is so so incredibly dark.  And sometimes your standing in the brightest light and it's still insanely and unexplainably dark.  You heard of having a knot in your stomach, right.  Well, this sad is having a knot in your heart.  It's a feeling of being suffocated even though nothing is touching you.  Its hard to breath.  It's hard to be.

Making a card for my friend is no significant thing.  I wasn't delivering a big fancy birthday gift.  Just a simple made with paper, crayons, and elmers glue card! But I knew regardless it would make her smile.  It would show her she was loved, and Selfishly.... it took away my "there for no reason" sad.  You can't give someone something without feeling joy in return.  No matter how insignificant it might be sharing, creating, giving a piece of your heart to someone else makes them happy and in return makes you happy.   While we made it, on our way to deliver it, while we were there.... the sad was gone.

The problem is the Nothing Place.   The problem is the times where you don't have anyone to give a piece of your heart to.  The nothing place is where you are, when you are no where else.   Your body is somewhere but your heart is lost.  It's alone and overwhelmed and Oh My Gosh your heart is so incredibly strong and stubborn and no matter how long you tell it to not be sad.  It's just sad.
THIS is depression.  This is a disease.  This is hard, and exhausting, and frustrating. 

I suffer from this disease.  I all too often find myself alone in a place full of life, love, children, friends, and animals.  The nothing place can be anywhere.   I always find my way out of the Nothing.  Sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes it takes days.

I've armed myself with the tools, and love.  I hate the nothing place.  I hate it so much.  I have so many people and animals that love me unconditionally and would do anything for me and yet, out of nowhere and completely unexpected, the nothing will wrap me up. And, once again, I have to fight to breathe.

Robin Williams was, as far as I can tell, a generous, selfless, giving man that loved nothing more than to give laughter and love to everyone he met.   He was so so incredibly funny.  He was over the top, so much energy, how does he do it, someone take away his caffeine for crying out loud, Funny!! 
But when he wasn't giving.  When he wasn't touching other peoples hearts with laughter and love;   Robyn felt sad.  Robin couldn't find his way out of the nothing.

Please, please, please, if you're lost.  If you're sad.  If you can't find your way out of the Nothing.  Call me.  I need you, just as much as you need me.  I couldn't find Robin Williams in the nothing.  I didn't even know he was there.  Please, friend, tell me if you are lost in the nothing. Just typing this out, regardless if anyone will read it, is giving a piece of my heart to something else and you can't be lost in the nothing when you give your heart.  It's impossible.  I want to give a piece to you.  Typing this is selfish.  It's completely for me.  I'm opening my heart and I'm far away from the nothing. I really do, I Need you.  I don't want to go to the nothing anymore, and I'd give anything to keep you from it as well.

Keep giving your heart, or take a piece of mine.
Jamie